Some weight loss thoughts

Aug 25 2007, 08:41 AM

I just saw Dr. Gupta on CNN and he was talking about something called Diabulimia, where girls with Type 1 Diabetes have found out they will lose weight if they don't take their insulin. One woman was speaking out because she had a 28-year-old daughter who died from doing this. Then there was a 30 year old mother of a small child who had been doing this for years, and she couldn't stop. Her husband begged her to please get help because he could see her getting sicker and sicker. She showed the reporter her feet, which were going black and blue, and she was losing feeling in them.

Then I got all judgemental and said to myself, "Can't she see that she is killing herself. Why can't she take her medicine. Why doesn't she just try for the sake of her little girl and her husband. She is about to loose her toes and she still says she won't take her insulin because she doesn't want to gain weight."

Then I stood back and had a good look at myself. I should talk. Here I am, at 280lbs, finding it hard to breathe if I walk too far, with a great gut causing my back to hurt. I have to wear a panty-girdle if I go out, just to shift the weight from my back a bit so I can walk. I want to know how people larger than me, especially these young overweight girls, can stand to feel like I do about their overweight. As an adult I weighed 130lbs. How did I ever let myself go as much as I have.

I have my 3-year old grandson. I keep going back to that fattening, sweet and greasy food that to be quite honest, doesn't even make me feel good while I am eating it, much less after. But like a robot I just keep packing it in. DH picks on me constantly. Whatever he says gets my back up because he thinks that will power, threats and trying to shame me into giving up the fattening food will work. Finally he just said one afternoon that he was afraid I was going to die. That made me sit up and take notice but I am still eating. I am pinning my hopes on my sleep clinic results and having my apnea taken care of. They say people lose weight when their sleep is improved.

So I really have no cause to criticize this poor woman. I am doing the same thing to myself, just in another way. Many people have told me I have to get my weight under control. I am looking for the easy way out. I eat for comfort and I feel guilty every time I eat the food that is slowly killing me. But not guilty enough to just determine that this is as far as it goes, and this weight will be history. Why can't I make the connection in my mind.

Just in case anyone is interested in this article, here is the link:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/health/20....diabulimia.cnn
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moiraine My Belly Is Killing Me

| Category: My Weight Struggles Email this entry | Print this entry Aug 9 2007, 08:34 AM

I just reached a conclusion a while ago. The reason why I am having a hard time to breathe and feel so tired is that my belly is dragging me down. All my weight seems concentrated in my middle section and it is getting worse. What's the point of asking for help. All they can do is tell me to cut out the junk, eat less and exercise. If I were to tell these people that it seems so insurmountable to me that I can't move beyond this problem. they will tell me, well, if you don't do something about this today, tomorrow it will me much worse. I know this. Tell me something I DON'T know for a change. I think I wrote about this a while ago, when it seemed my stomach "fell down", sort of, in other words, what ever muscles were holding it up let go, and my belly started to hang lower, Ever since then it seems I have had a harder time to get around, I feel m ore unbalanced and out of breath. I am so glad my mother doesn't know this blog exists. Here I can say exactly how I feel. If she were reading here I wouldn't be able to say anything.

Three years ago I returned back to a very good weight loss plan called "Choose to Lose." It cost me $50/week ($13 for the attendance fee, $36 for the shakes I needed). It was in the county hospital here. It stressed three principals for weight loss: diet, exercise and the psychology of over-eating. I lost 60lbs in 4 months but stupid me I dropped out when I was down to 201, never saw the needle dip down into the 100's. The hospital hasn't had that programme in over 2 years. They moved it to the Wellness Centre about 10 miles away, and I called these people about it and they didn't know what I was talking about.

Maybe if I found a good strong girdle I could lift this stupid belly up so it doesn't drag me down so much. So I pretty much feel the only diet plan that ever worked for me is not around anymore, what can I do. *Going to another subject* I think I will look up here, another c-pap mask and pay for it myself. Maybe I can get this thing going enough so that life might improve for me in some way. They say if you sleep right you will feel better, maybe even lose weight.

Today I have a list, things I should do. I usually make such a list and end up just doing what absolutely has to be done:
1) I have to get gas. without that I can't do anything anyway
2) I should go to Walmart and get another cat-collar. I bought Lady a new one but it was too tight. The old cat collar is 6 years old, should have been replaced ages ago
3) Need to go by CVS and get two Rx, one I really need, I am on my last pill as of this am
4) My med nurse has free Lexapro for me, and while I never look a gift course in the mouth, I need to go after them. So this has to be done
5) The post office has a registered letter for me and I have to go after it. Registered letters always scare me. I just hope Social Security hasn't turned me down and sent a registered letter to let me know. What would I do, what would I do
6) I need to go down and fill out a job application for some laundromat work. The last thing I want to do. I don't know what is worst. Going in there, facing people and filling it out, or getting the job feeling like I do.

This is my "to do" list for today, and I feel so unable. I should feel pretty good because this am it is very good weather. For once the humidity isn't killing me because the day feels nice and dry. At least for now.


LATER
I just ordered a chinstrap online, just to see if I could get going on my c-pap machine. I had so much trouble with it last year and I just gave it up, seemed to me I had to rip the thing off my face because my mouth ended up so dry. By the time I added the shipping (3 day), it came to just under $40. I originally went to order a new face mask but some of them needed an Rx and it was all a big blue mystery to me any way. Maybe I can live with the mask I have (the one with the over the head apparatus and the nasal pillows) if I can keep my big trap shut. I'm floundering here. Any port in a storm.
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moiraine Can't Get Off The Pity Pot (trigger)

| Category: My Weight Struggles Email this entry | Print this entry Jul 18 2007, 02:25 PM

Today is not a good day. I just came back from seeing my med. nurse and besides everything else I just broke down into tears because I figured out why the nice manager didn't hire me when it seemed everything else was so promising. I mean, I did everything right. My application was neat and tidy, and I knew everything they wanted about my previous 4 jobs. Now mind you I had never worked in the kitchen of a nursing home before, just laundry, housekeeping and way long time ago before you had to be licensed, aide work. But I have done 2 years of grill work at McDonald's 6 years ago. I didn't have a police record. and my TB and MMR shots were up to date. He had even said "see you soon" when he left me in the lobby. All I can say is, it's my weight. Maybe he felt I wasn't up to the work, the hurrying around, the heat and such. My laundry job was all of this and I managed. Then I told Patti that, well a lot of this weight came on in the past 5 years and it would be discrimination to get rid of me for being too fat, as long as I was working. All 3 jobs I worked so hard on last week didn't come out. Now if I were in a better frame of mind I could say, "well onto the next three" but here lately it just seems like insult to injury and why am I bothering. I am no use to anyone. Who wants to hire a flat slob who looks lazy and will probably call out of work a lot.

Patti told me that maybe I would begin to feel better once the Lexapro started cutting in. She told me to stick with the 75mgs Effexor I was on now, for another week. Then go down to the 37.5 mgs. and half a pill of Lexapro. Then drop the Effexor altogether and take the full pill. She gave me a schedule for this. More *****ng pills. I am SO SICK of more pills. NOTHING ever works for long, why should I bother.

One thing is agreed on by her and my therapist. Twenty years of these pills have added to my weight problem, not helped it any. Of course my "comfort foods" have played a great part in it too. But this is the first time anyone has even said that some of this weight is not my fault. I should be grateful for small mercies but that isn't working today

All DH knows how to do is pick on me when I am low. It's always the weight, the pc and the exercise. He can't say anything about the money because I am still getting my TDI cheque and my med. nurse told me today she will keep signing the paper until it is run out, if needed. I get so sick and tired of being told to "shut up". Then he wonders why I spend my whole life here. Never mind he will go to bed after 4pm and there will be just me and Lady after and peace and quiet.

The job finder called me and I was crying on the phone to her, I feel very low today. She told me I can't give up, that I will find something, that it takes as long as it takes. She said that I had a solid work history and a good personality (there they go with that good personality thing again.) and if someone held it against me because of my weight, well I didn't need to work for such a person anyway. I won't think about all of that until tomorrow. I will put it out of my mind for today
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moiraine Obese Rant(trigger)

| Category: My Weight Struggles Email this entry | Print this entry Jul 16 2007, 10:42 PM

I know I am not supposed to run on about weight issues here but I put "trigger" in the title for a warning. I just got done watching "Big Medicine" and "Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic". I usually watch these every week but they made me feel a dull anger tonight for what heavy people have to deal with. I always say, prevention is much better than cure but that's not the way the insurance companies see it. Many of these people who are up there at 800lbs might not have gotten so obese if they had been treated when the problem was small. Now I know we all eat and I can't seem to get any control over my comfort eating. So here I am at 260lbs and it seems like there is so much to lose and all people can tell me is "Eat less and exercise". DH seems to think what helped him quit smoking should be good enough for me too. " You have no willpower", he says." You will not be happy until you get to 500lbs." is something else he says. Also: "You need to get out and walk and get some exercise." He actually took a picture of me from the back as I was sitting here last week. It was a ghastly picture. In fact I looked ghastly when I was 200lbs as well, and at 170lbs. The last time I was comfortable with my weight was when I was at the 130-140lbs phase. That is such a far away dream that I don't even bother wishing anymore.

You name it, I have tried it when it comes to losing weight. Weight loss groups, fad diets, hypnosis, more weight-loss groups and diets I have tried by myself and gotten nowhere. I've had nutritionists give me a tailored eating plan but it didn't last. My last chance was two years ago when I signed up for lap-band surgery. I've told this sorry story here before but for those who didn't know me then, this is how it went. I was approved, did most of the tests and when I was due to have the surgery in September of that year and my job changed insurances. The new insurance didn't want to pay so it went by the wayside. Well I got over that on the surface of it but when I get depressed I wonder how much I would weigh today if I had been able to go ahead with the surgery.

I just want to feel full so I don't want to eat. I describe it to people this way: imagine it is Thanksgiving or Christmas and you have stuffed yourself full, as most of us do because holiday food is so good. I tell these people: do you want to eat another bite when you are so full already? The last thing you want to do is see more food, even if it is your favourite dessert. That's how full I want to feel so I don't want any food, not even for comfort. Even when I got down to my old weight, I still want to feel full so I can keep the weight off.

With that in mind: I was looking to see if they had any "fill me up" pills online, something I hadn't heard of yet, a miracle pill. It seems the Italians are working on a a pill that you drink with a full glass of water. Once in your stomach, the pill swells up and fills your stomach so you are not hungry. It is being tested now. They claim the stuff that fills you up passes thru you just like food does. The article said, it will be ready next year when they are done the testing. When it comes out, I will be there with every other fat person on the side walk waiting just like the I-fone people were waiting. Don't even care how much it costs, don't care if the insurance won't pay, I've lost my trust in them for anything anyway. I'll scratch the money up myself
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moiraine Me A Vegan?

| Category: My Weight Struggles Email this entry | Print this entry Jun 10 2007, 02:04 PM

Here I am thinking about another diet. That's all I do these days and that's why no weight gets lost. I wish I had a dollar for every diet I've tried or considered trying. I could retire right now and have plenty of money to waste. I'm gonna try to go vegan. Not vegetarian, but vegan. That means nothing from the animal, not even eggs or milk. Before you give me strange looks, I've never been a huge meat eater. Meat was expensive when I was small and my mother portioned it out. We ate a lot of chicken thighs, cube steak made into a stew with potatoes and veg. Sometimes stew beef made the same way. We did have a roast for Sunday dinner, only because my father wanted it that way. Everything came with gravey. My mother never made Yorkshire pudding but my sister did. Anyway, back to the chicken thighs. My mother would make five. Two went to my father, and one each for the rest of us. I thought nothing of it, and it didn't occur to me to ask for more. Even if I did, my mother was the kind of person who would have taken from her own plate for a hungry child.

When I first ever saw platters of meat I couldn't believe my eyes! Some people had pork chops piled to the sky! I've seen people eat steaks so huge it would have made supper for us back in the day. All that to say this, that meat was never very important to anybody but my father, who always enjoyed a plateful of Sunday roast (of whatever),mounds of mashed potatoes, a veg and gravy poured over everything.

So here I am considering a vegan diet. I've eaten soy products before and I found them as tasty as anything else. I got used to Rice Milk from the baby having to switch from cow's milk. Eggs I never bothered with, unless they were used to make something else I wanted. People think I am weird (especially hubby) when I say I'd choose dessert over steak anytime. On various low-cal diets I've used these kinds of foods instead of the calorie-laden others.

Right now I have just about weaned myself off of Equal, which will make my brother happy. He has been on my butt to drop that for ages. Now all that's left is my diet soda. My brother just drinks water and juice all day. His downfall is chips. I could take or leave those. Now I don't like water. If I am made to drink water, I get a pitcherfull and leave it on the counter. When I drink any, I just guzzle it down, to get it over with. I think it tastes awful to me because all I can taste is chemicals at the back of my throat, from the pills I have to take. Soda has a flavour so I don't get that awful taste. So I just have to find a substitute for soda that doesn't have NutraSweet or a lot of sugar.

Well it gives me something to think about, whether I try the diet or not. If I can get it going I will post about it